Vortex
by livel4015.6313
Summary: To catch a killer, he's going to have to live like a killer." A look at how Elliot and Olivia will deal with an undercover assignment. Kind of a pre-ep for Solitary.
1. To catch a killer

A/N: Well, I've been seriously slacking about posting over here. But this is a little idea that came to me while watching a promo for this week's episode, Solitary. Take a look it's really inspiring :) - .com/watch?v=_A6dnP5izig

Hope you like what I've got so far. It's most likely going to get a little smutty in chapter 2. If that bothers you but still want to read, shoot me an email. I'm also trying to adapt chapter 2 to a less smutty version. Let me know what you think!

*~~~~~*

**Vortex**

"_**To catch a killer, he's going to have to live like a killer."**_

**Chapter 1: To catch a killer**

He sat in the small cell staring at the ceiling. He'd exhausted all his energy earlier as he paced back and forth. His mind was a maze of thoughts. Every turn made things more confusing. Every turn resulted in a dead end. If only he'd been able to look at the entire maze before he was tossed into it. Every fucking path looked the fucking same. Every choice he made was crucial. His life depended on it.

Standing, he started pacing around the cell again. Not that he really could pace around it. This was solitary confinement. There was a small bed and a desk and not much space in between. This was torture. They had no idea just how much. He laughed bitterly. They thought it was punishment to be separated. What they really didn't know was that the real torture was the thoughts inside his head. Pausing he laughed again. No. They probably knew that too. But his thoughts had nothing to do with his ponderings on his guilt. His thoughts had nothing to do with guilt or innocence or wrong doings. A sharper laugh expelled from his upturned lips. If they only knew. His body tensed as he continued to run through the maze in his head. His heart rate accelerated and he knew he had to do something before he started beating the mocking cinderblock wall before him.

Ripping the gray shirt from his body he dropped to the floor and started pumping up and down. He felt the fire in his arms as he did push-up after push-up. It was the only thing that seemed to keep his mind off of…everything.

He'd been so obsessed with catching this killer that he jumped up when Cragen said someone would have to go undercover. His eyes flitted to his partner as the look of horror spread across her face like wild fire. He didn't know if the look was her concern for his safety or if it was there because of her own memories of going undercover in a prison.

They held eyes for a long moment before Cragen's voice stole his attention away from her. The older man gave him an intense stare and attempted to say something that was most likely an argument about his participation given the outcome of the case thus far. As the first word started to break through his lips, he stopped then shut his mouth and nodded. Jerking his head toward his office, he turned and made his way there. The detective silently obeyed the command and followed him.

Once he was in the office he was directed to sit. He hadn't wanted to but he did nevertheless. Cragen turned on his most intimidating fatherly look and stared at his detective. He asked if he even had to caution the determined man about this assignment. Of course he did. This was Elliot Stabler. He was bred from fire and passion. There wasn't a moment he shouldn't be cautioned but that was the reason he was good at what he did. He took that fire and passion and aimed it toward his job. It was the safest of targets.

Gritting his jaw and shaking his head he reassured his captain that he could handle this. After releasing a defeated breath, Cragen nodded his head and told Elliot he'd clear it and make sure he knew the details. Elliot nodded appreciatively then got up and walked out. The moment he stepped out of the office his arm was wrapped in a firm grasp. His body was pulled toward the opposite side of the squad room. Heels clicked furiously as he was dragged up the stairs and into the crib. After the door was shut firmly, the figure before him spun quickly. Her eyes were sparked in fury.

"What was that?" Her throat threatened to tighten with every word and her knees shook so hard it looked like she was about to crumble to the floor.

"What was what?" he asked defiantly. He really didn't want to talk to her about this.

"That. Downstairs. What was that all about?" She crossed her arms under her chest and waited for his answer. None came. "You're really thinking about going undercover?"

"So?" he replied flippantly.

"Elliot. This isn't a laughing matter. Do you have –"

"So now you're going to warn me about going undercover in a prison?" He took threatening steps toward her, his own eyes starting to ignite in anger. "Don't even start that shit with me, Benson," he growled in her face.

She gasped and took a step away from him but he wrapped his hand around her arm and pulled her back to him.

"Are you going to tell me about Sealview?"

"I already –"

"No…are you _really_ going to tell me about Sealview." His voice was so low it was almost inaudible. "I know you think you appeased me with your little tale but I know there's more to it."

Her breaths shortened as she struggled to keep her eyes locked with his. "This isn't the time, Elliot."

"It's never the time," he said releasing her arm and pushing away from her. "Thanks for the concern." Turning he took a few steps to the door.

"Are you at least going to tell your wife you're going undercover this time?" she asked in a biting tone.

She was furious with him for throwing that back in her face. They had agreed he wouldn't pester about Sealview anymore if she told him what happened. She had told him about Sealview but she might have left some things out of her story. Like the true fear she felt and still felt from it. Sometimes her heart would start to beat manically in her chest at just the sound of handcuffs tightening on wrists or the door to the holding cell snapping shut. She wasn't ready to tell him that. Not yet.

When he turned, his eyes found hers. They locked in an unwavering glare. Before she knew it he was in front of her. She couldn't even recall him taking the steps.

"How is that your concern?"

"Are you serious?"

Her eyes flared in warning and she straightened up to her full height. They stood chest to chest, almost snarling at each other.

"_You go undercover again and don't tell Kathy you'll be safer here than home. Call her."_

Her words scrambled noisily around in her head. She remembered the night well. If only all their undercover assignments, impromptu or otherwise, ended with him in his underwear and her body wrapped around his. Her breath caught as she shook the thought from her head. Not the time, Olivia.

"What did I tell you last time?" Her voice, her eyes – _everything_ – about her was condescending as she narrowed her eyes at him and her face transformed into a scowl.

His eyes widened. His head tilted to the side. She actually just sneered at him. She had just become him. He couldn't believe it so he did what he did best. He played dirty.

"No, Olivia. What did you tell me last time? Enlighten me."

Of course he wanted to fight about this. She already had images of his scantily clad body in her head and the feel of her draped across the expanse of his chest and now he wanted to fight. She'd never been more frustrated in her life. If he only knew what his dark look and gravelly voice did to her. If he did, he wouldn't be using those as his weapons.

"Elliot." She sighed and took a step away from him.

He quickly closed the distance between them and stared down his nose, right into her eyes. "Tell me," he said in a low whisper.

She could feel his pulse. It exuded from his body like he was a fucking loud speaker at a rock concert. The floor shook under her feet. She had to get herself together. He was just trying to intimidate her. She'd seen it thousands of times in the interrogation room. It didn't work on her. She was immune to it. Right? Her eyes rolled back and she closed her eyes quickly to hide it from him. Unfortunately, he used it to his advantage and took another step closer to her. Fuck. The curse rattled around in her brain relentlessly. It broke all her coherent thoughts into nonsense.

Tightening her lips she begged her body not to respond. She begged the sigh not to release from her body. Swallowing it, she reopened her eyes and looked into his. His nose was almost touching hers. She wondered how she didn't feel his breath in her face. He was too close. Taking another step back she collided with a bunk bed. She pleaded with her knees not to give out and give him the leverage he wanted over her. Her body shivered at the thought. No, she thought. She wouldn't let him tower over her while she was lying helplessly on the bottom bunk. She swallowed hard again.

"Tell…tell you what?" she asked breathlessly.

"Tell me what you told me last time." He bent his head impossibly close to hers and the only thing she could focus on were his lips.

He smiled as he caught her staring at his lips. She was right where he wanted her. His tongue slowly emerged and swiped along his bottom lip. He could almost hear her entire body sigh. His body reacted, as he pressed closer to her.

She almost collapsed when she felt his entire body lean into hers. Her eyes almost burst into flames as she watched him slowly lick his lips. They were so close to hers. Fuck. He laughed. Her eyes snapped to his.

"What?" she asked softly.

"Did you just say 'fuck'?"

Fuck. She had said it out loud. With all her might, she resisted the urge to cringe. Taking a deep breath she looked toward her toes.

"No."

He laughed. His body gently rocked hers as his laughter was released. If she was anyone else, she would have blushed and cowered toward a darkened corner to hide. But she was Olivia Benson. Badass Benson. She almost laughed the first time she heard the nickname. It fit, she thought. It at least kept all the extraneous shit from her, drama wise. Her drama card was full of Elliot. He contained more drama than an episode of a primetime drama.

"Liv," he said still laughing. "You did. I heard you." His eyes lightened slightly as the laughter worked through him.

God, did she just see a twinkle in there? She was fucked. She took another breath and tried to stand tall again but his body prevented it from happening. Sensing her trying to shift the leverage, he leaned into her more. Her jaw tensed and her eyes lifted to his.

"What are you doing?"

He smiled, borrowing a little bit of her sneer from earlier. "Tell me, Olivia."

Jesus. His voice dripped with sex. When did his voice drip with sex? And when did she start noticing this? This wasn't the time. She was supposed to be furious with him for taking this undercover assignment.

"Why did you volunteer?" she asked suddenly.

"What?" His eyes shaded with confusion at her abrupt turn.

"Why?" she asked again more insistently. "You're not the only detective on this squad, Elliot. Why does it always have to be you?"

"I could turn that right around on you, you know?" A brief smile flashed on his face before he wiped it away. This was his chance to ask about Sealview again. He lowered his face toward her and looked into her eyes. "Why you and not me?"

Her eyes grew wide. "What?"

"I'm turning this around on you, Olivia." He narrowed for a second as he watched her face fill with conflict. It was about spill over when he tipped his head back slightly. "This isn't the Olivia Benson show. Sometimes we're needed for things too, you know."

"You bastard."

Her hand flew up to connect with his cheek. He easily caught her by the wrist and smiled. He anticipated it. It's why he goaded her. This had played out many times in his head.

"Let go of me," she said struggling against his grasp.

His eyes almost lit up at her panic. It wasn't because he enjoyed scaring her but because he could see how he truly was affecting her. There was passion in her eyes. She looked like she wanted to push him against the opposite wall and that was exciting to him. He always secretly loved how heated their arguments were. It's why he taunted her like he did. Most of the time. Sometimes it was vicious and he'll always regret those times but most of the time he did it to get a rise out of her because there was nothing more sexy than an enraged Olivia Benson.

"Let. Go." She struggled a little more, pulling her arm toward her. Her fist tightened. "Elliot." Her other hand flew up to slap him. But he easily caught that one too. They stood with a few inches between them and both her wrists captured by his hands. "Elliot," she gritted out dangerously. "Let me go."

He laughed and let go of her wrists. They dropped to her side. She stared at him as her heart beat furiously. She couldn't tell if it was because he grabbed her or something else. Opening her mouth, she started to say something but stopped. Her brow wrinkled as she rested her head back against the soft mattress of the top bunk. She hated that he could get under her skin the way he did.

"Liv?" His tone was softer than before and his hands gently ran down her arms and stopped on the wrists he had just held in his tight hold. He gripped them lightly and squeezed, trying to get her attention. "Liv, are you okay? I didn't mean to…"

She started laughing. Loudly. She couldn't contain it and she wasn't even sure why she was doing it. "Sorry," she managed to say through laughs. "Sorry." She cleared her throat and wiped her tearing eyes.

"Want to share the punch line with me?" He squinted his eyes. He had been worried he was too rough with her, especially since they were talking about Sealview. He didn't mean to cause that kind of panic in here. And he definitely didn't want to be another person to make her feel unsafe.

"It's nothing. Just…you and me. We're ridiculous. You know that? Why are we even fighting?"

He smiled. Bending his head, he brought his arms up to rest on the frame of the bunk bed. His head almost touched her shoulder and he breathed deeply to stop it from resting on the blue fabric of her shirt. It wasn't a shirt of which he was particularly fond. The color of it reminded him of the day Eli was born. That day always brought with it a barrage of conflicting emotions. He wondered if it was the same one. He wondered how she got the blood from his son off of it. Looking back to her shirt, he thought that it looked really soft. Well, he knew it was soft. He had just run his hands down it. All he wanted was to rest his head on it and feel the softness from her chest press into him as she wrapped her arms around him.

"You were mad at me for taking this undercover."

She nodded her head and bit her lip. "Right," she said quietly. "I am." Her face dropped into a frown. As she thought, the anger started to build up inside her again. "Why are you such a bastard all the time? Why do you insist on being the hero all the time?"

"It's my responsibility. I'm a cop, Olivia. This is what we do," he said frustrated. He felt like he was talking to Kathy. "Why do I even need to defend that to you?" Lifting his head, he again looked into her eyes. "You're the last person I should have to defend this job to, Olivia."

"Why?" she said incredulously. "Because I'm a cop? I'm not reckless, Elliot. I don't do things just to get a rise out of someone. I don't use my…I don't need to intimidate people to make myself feel better or more like a…you know what, screw you. You do whatever you want." She tried to push past him but he stood firmly in place. "Elliot. Move."

He smiled down at her as she tried to get by her. She suddenly looked small and feminine to him. Had she not had that badge and gun strapped to her tantalizing hip, he would have grabbed her around the waist and hauled her against the wall himself. But he didn't want her to shoot him. He was lucky she didn't try to slap him again.

His head jerked to the side and he snapped to look at her. "What the hell was that for?" he asked bringing his hand up to his cheek.

"Move," she said angrily. "I'm not fighting anymore with you about this. You do whatever you want. Just make sure you tell your god damned wife this time. I'm not going to be the one picking up the pieces."

She easily stepped around his stunned form this time. However, she didn't get far. Four steps into her journey to the door he grabbed her arm and spun her back to him. She collided with his body and he used the surprise maneuver to push her up against the wall. He once again pressed his body into hers, loving the way she felt against him.

"Elliot. Get the fuck off of me." She tried to push against him to no avail; it only made him press further into her.

"I'll have you know you don't need to pick up the pieces this time," he growled in her ear.

Her heart hiccupped in her chest before accelerating rapidly. She fought hard to breathe through the reverberation of his voice and the feel of his body on hers.

"Go-Good," she said stuttering.

"Do you want to know why?"

His voice twisted around in her head like a tornado. She couldn't think with him this close much less form words.

"Do you?" he asked pulling his head away from her ear. Looking at her, he saw that he was affecting her. He smiled.

"Fine, you win," she responded breathlessly. "Why?"

"Because I'm not with Kathy anymore."

Her eyes enlarged and her face went blank. She's pretty sure she stopped breathing but she couldn't focus on it long enough to care. He's not with Kathy anymore. Did that mean what she thought?

"You okay, Liv?"

She stared at him wide-eyed. "What do you mean you're not with Kathy anymore?"

"Meaning we're divorced. It just happened."

As she opened her mouth to ask another question that just would have been his statement with a question mark at the end, his lips found hers. He kissed her, cupping her face with his hands. Moving his lips against hers, he felt all the fight leave her as she fell against the wall. Her hands found their way to the back of his shirt sleeves and she tightly gripped them, not wanting to let go. After a few moments, he smiled against her lips and pulled away.

"I'll see you in a few days." He touched his lips to hers once again then turned and left.

She stood there frozen in time for what seemed forever. Sure, she was reliving the last half hour in slow motion like a movie she would typically make fun of, but what choice did she have? He hit her with two of the most shocking statements that she's heard from him since he told her he was going back to Kathy and that she was pregnant. Then he ran. As she stood suspended in time, she tried to digest everything that just happened. She's not even sure how long she stood there. It was a miracle no one came looking for her. Maybe that was Elliot's doing. Maybe they had but he had stopped them, knowing she would need time to process what he just said and what he just did.

He'd just told her that he wasn't with Kathy. He'd just told her that he was divorced. How could he just drop a bomb on her like that, kiss her then leave?

This must be what it felt like to survive a tornado. Her tornado was Elliot. He chewed her up and spit her out, leaving her completely dazed and confused.

When she finally got herself together, she walked back downstairs. Her eyes immediately fell upon her partner's desk. It was clean of clutter, his chair was pushed under his desk with care and his monitor was off. He had left. Her heart beat heavily in her chest.

"He left," Fin said stating the obvious. He knew that she knew. Eyeing her carefully from his desk, he narrowed his eyes and took in the look on her face and the disheveled state of her hair and shirt. "You okay?" he asked, scowling slightly.

He never liked when those two stormed off like that. Someone always ended up getting hurt and it was usually Olivia. He almost felt it was his duty to look out for her ever since Sealview. He'd been incredibly protective of her since then, never being able to forget how he found her with Harris or the look on her face. It was pure fear. He'd really never seen on anyone the way he'd seen it on her. And he'd seen her wear pieces of that look around with her for a year.

She never really wanted to talk about it. Every now and then he'd get a little something out of her but she was usually very guarded about it. He understood. He had witnessed her at maybe the weakest moment in her life and she didn't want to be a part of it, much less have someone witness it. So he gave her the space she needed. It wasn't really his place to force her to talk but he did hope she talked to someone about it. He hoped she talked to Elliot about it. He was the person she really needed. Everyone knew that but he didn't have any qualms with stepping in when he saw fit.

"Yeah, fine." She looked at Elliot's desk then quickly toward the crib.

The look in her eye was the same that he'd seen in Elliot's right before he sprinted out of the bullpen. He wished they would just figure it out, already. Sighing, he turned back to his work. Every few minutes he would check her out of the corner of his eye to make sure she was okay. She seemed dazed, but okay.

At the end of the day she wondered if she should call him. He probably couldn't talk. He was probably in one of those many meetings or evaluations he had to do before he could go under. It's the only reason she could imagine that he would just leave after what he had done. Or maybe while she was upstairs trying to regroup he was downstairs regretting the whole thing. A loud groan worked its way through her head. Why did she always do this when it came to him? He always made her doubt everything at least personally. On the job there was no one she trusted more.

At the end of her very long argument with herself, she decided to just let whatever it was to follow its natural course. Predicting Elliot was like predicting the path of that tornado she was so fond of comparing him to.

*~~~~~*


	2. To live like a killer

**A/N: **Sorry for the delay in bringing you this chapter. The other day my flash drive with all my writing just stopped working. There seems to be little hope in recovering anything on it. Boo to Lauren for not backing it up. Thank goodness I had emailed this one to myself. But as a result if you're waiting for an update on other WIPs they may be delayed.

So hopefully this makes sense and isn't too far out there; it gets a little smutty and completely OOC but...this is where my mind went so this is what you get. As you can see, I'm a little more interested in E/O than the case. I hope this part can live up to the first one. Again sorry it got so long and is so delayed.

To my lovely tweeties...something happened to my old account where it just stopped letting me tweet. My new username is livel4015_6313 so feel free to follow me. :D Oh and again, unbeta-ed forgive my errors. I tried to catch as many as I could.

**Chapter 2: To live like a killer**

He thought he might go crazy in here. He hadn't seen her for days. He hadn't seen anyone for days. It was just him and his thoughts. His stupid thoughts. His stupid, beautiful, sexy thoughts. They all took her shape and they all drove him crazy. Pulling his shirt back over his head, he sprawled out on the floor and thought some more about her. He sat up a few times pausing for a few moments before dropping down to the floor. As he curled up for the eighth time, he screamed. God dammit. Nothing worked.

He couldn't get her out of his head. He'd dreamt about kissing her for years. He'd finally done it then he left. He wanted more of her. But now he was stuck in here. In solitary confinement. His temper had gotten the better of him again and he spiraled out of control. She had not been there to calm him so he had to endure the punishment instead of dodging around it. Falling back down, he thought about the last time he was near her. It seemed like forever ago.

When he ran downstairs with the smug smile on his lips, he was expecting her to follow him. He expected her to stop him and drag him back into the crib and finish what he started. But she didn't. As he approached his desk, he saw a folder sitting on top of his keyboard marked 'Classified.' Quickly, he picked it up and opened it. Glancing at the top page he sucked in a large breath then shoved it back in the folder. Announcing he was leaving, he looked up toward the crib. Not seeing any movement from there, he grabbed his coat off the back of his chair and ran out the door.

The next few of days were spent in hours upon hours of meetings and evaluations. He was questioned and quizzed. Every second was filled with his new alias and his new life. He hated to do it but he knew in the long run everything would be worth it because they would have something good out of it. Something good had to come of it. They had to have their perp in the end. During one of those many meetings, he found out he wouldn't have a partner while undercover. Unlike Olivia, there would be no one to watch his back for a few minutes a day. It unnerved him since he was so used to having her by his side. It would be weird to have to consciously think about watching his own back. He hadn't had to do that in years.

At the end of every night he wanted to call her. He wanted to tell her he'd be in prison alone. But he resisted every urge, not wanting to cause her any more anxiety than necessary. She was already wary of him taking this assignment. He didn't need her to worry about him more than she already was. But he couldn't help but want to hear her voice before he left. He didn't get the chance. There didn't seem to be time.

Three days later he was on a bus. On his way to prison. With every bump and jostle in the road, he reminded himself why he was doing this. To catch a killer he was going to have to live like a killer. He'd make it worth his while.

After two days, he hadn't made much progress. The strain of being in prison and the absence of her voice, her eyes, her smile, her presence started to take a toll on him and he landed himself in solitary. Under normal circumstances he would have loved the privacy and the quiet. But this wasn't normal by any means. He was in prison. He was missing his partner. He curled up toward his knees a few more times before getting up and moving to his bed. Sitting with his back against the wall, he looked up at the grated ceiling.

He was in a bad way. His focus shifted from Olivia to the case and back again in lightening speed. He couldn't seem to concentrate on anything for long. Except for her. How did he work beside her for so long and stay focused? He was amazed they had the closing rate they did. He was amazed anyone could get anything done around her.

Before his thoughts could get too far away from him, he heard faint footsteps coming down the hallway. They broke him away from his thoughts, as they got closer to his isolated cell. His was the last at the end of a very long hall with no one around him. He wasn't even sure there was anyone on this cellblock other than him. A nervous butterfly feeling started fluttering in his stomach. It was new. He hadn't felt that since the last time he saw Olivia. Taking it for pent up energy, he once again removed his t-shirt then hopped off his bed and resumed his push-ups. He didn't care if the guard was just going to interrupt him.

A few moments later, he expected the small flap in the door to open so the tray of unappetizing food could be passed through. It had to be close to a mealtime. His stomach clenched at the prospect of another subpar meal. Only this time, instead of hearing the light metallic ping of the small door, he heard a key turning in the lock. Getting up from the floor, he started to pivot to see the visitor. He turned just as the figure stepped out of the shadow and into the small cell.

"What can I do you fo-"

He stopped mid-word as he saw her standing in front of him, dressed in a guard uniform. After wedging her nightstick in the door to keep it from closing all the way, she turned to look at him. She took in every inch of his body to make sure he was okay. He started talking just as her assessment was complete.

"Liv? What are yo-"

"How dare you fucking tell me you're not with your wife and that you're divorced then fucking leave," she said sharply, pushing him slightly with every other word. "How dare you kiss me like that and then leave! What is wrong with you?"

He only stared at her. She was not who he had expected to see walk through that door. Seeing her standing in front of him caused all kinds of emotions. Part of him wanted to hug her, part of him wanted to yell at her, part of him wanted to push her out of the door and tell her to go home and part of him wanted to throw her onto the bed and cover her body with his.

"Well?" she asked angrily. "Say something!"

"What are you doing here?" He managed to croak out the question. His focus was on the uniform that she wore. She didn't look like the other guards. This uniform seemed to be tailored for her. He loved the way it seemed to mold to her body.

She waited a few seconds to see if he had anything to add to the question. "That's all you have to say to me?!"

"What do you want me to say to you?" he asked.

"How about giving me some answers!" She breathed heavily. Her chest rose and fell as her lungs pumped oxygen in and out of her. "Elliot."

"You came all the way here, dressed up in a uniform to ask me what is wrong with me?"

"It's almost been a week! I didn't hear anything from you. I was worried." The tone of her voice said concern but the look in her eye was almost pure rage.

"I'm sorry. I didn't have any way to contact you. I can't…I can't call you from in here. You know that."

"What about before you left? Why didn't you call me then?"

"I know. I got your messages. I just…I didn't know what to say."

She spun around, completely frustrated with him. She'd wanted to hug him the moment she opened the door and looked into his eyes. Scanning his body, she made sure he was unharmed. Then she noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt and was covered in a light sheen of sweat. It took everything in her not to push him against the wall and kiss him.

"You…you didn't know what to say."

"Liv, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" she asked enraged. "You're sorry? Jesus Elliot. I didn't come here for an apology. I…I came here…I don't even know what I'm doing here." She turned and reached for the door. Her hand was securely wrapped around the handle when he grabbed her and pulled her to him.

"Liv," he said deeply, hauling her body against his. "I've…I can't get you out of my head." He finally confessed it to her. He finally said the words out loud. "I…I'm always thinking about you. And I can't stop reliving that kiss."

She wished she hadn't come. He was inching closer and closer to her mouth and she was powerless to stop it. She'd come to yell at him, to maybe slap him again, to make sure he was okay. When he touched her she forgot all of that. But she still managed to have some fight left in her.

"You're such a fucking bastard. Why? Why would you do that?" She reached out and pushed his shoulder but since he had a tight hold on her waist she was jolted forward as his back connected with the wall. Leaning back she steadied herself on the wall with her left hand. His grip loosened slightly and she was able to take a small step away from him. "What gives you the right to do that?" Lifting her right hand, she smacked him on his cheek.

His head turned to his right. When he straightened it he smiled at her. "You like it rough?"

Her eyes burst open. "Did you really just say that to me?"

He laughed. "Did you really come here just to yell at me and slap me?"

Taking her shocked silence to his advantage, he grabbed her around the waist once more and pulled her into his chest. Staring at her lips, he lowered his face toward her. His eyes rose to her eyes and held them for a moment before returning to her lips. As he watched her tongue dart out to moisten them, he smiled. Once her tongue had done its job he crashed his lips onto hers. She didn't protest or hold back. Lifting her arms she wrapped them around his neck and kissed him back.

After a few moments he pulled back. "Liv," he said running his fingers through her hair. "What are you doing here?" He kissed her lightly then leaned back to look into her eyes.

She looked at the floor and bit her lip. Clenching his jaw and inhaling through his nose, he tried to focus on her eyes. Not the hammering of his heart. Not the almost blinding tingle radiating from the pit of his stomach. Not her lips. No, not her lips and the constant way she kept alternating between taking the bottom one in between her teeth and running her tongue along it. And he definitely couldn't focus on the throbbing in his dick.

"Liv?" he asked.

She swiped her tongue over her lip once more. "I can't check on my partner?" she asked. Her eyes darted briefly to his stare before focusing on his lips.

A low groan started deep in his body as she stared at his lips. Taking another deep breath, he tried to concentrate. He needed to focus on his goal. Find out why she was here and putting herself in a pit of danger for you, idiot, he told himself.

"Liv." He turned his eyes to hers, knowing she could never look him in the eyes when she lied. "There's more to it than that. This is dangerous, Olivia. Not to mention against th-"

"I needed to see you," she blurted out, her brown eyes finally connecting with his. "I needed to…I needed…" Her head fell forward. She tightened her lips and shook her head from side to side in frustration.

Laughing lightly, he pushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ears. Tilting her face up with his finger, he moved his face toward her. "You need to what?" he asked in a husky voice.

She took a deep breath and spoke through it. "Find out about…" Pausing she searched his face for recognition. When she saw none, she took another deep breath. "The kiss," she mumbled and looked away.

He dropped his finger from her chin and ran his hand back behind her head to pull her closer to him. "I kissed you."

"I know," she whispered avoiding his powerful stare. "But why?"

Smiling widely, he leaned close to her ear. "Because," he said slowly then paused. His voice vibrated through her, shaking all her breath from her. His eyes ran over her face then scanned lower. He looked at her so long it appeared that he was memorizing the image into his mind. "Because," he continued softly, "I wanted to kiss you." He stopped to laugh then licked his lips nervously.

Laughing sarcastically, she tried to lean back. "Because you wanted to kiss me?" Her eyes rolled in their sockets. She felt her frustration tumble in her stomach. Shit, he looked good like this. He was just imposing _enough_, just dangerous _enough_ to make him look forbidden and sexy. Her focus had to be on something else. She couldn't look into his eyes when he smiled at her like that. She couldn't stare at his lips as he smiled then watch his tongue chase the dryness from his lip. Dammit, how was she supposed to pay attention to his words when those eyes, those lips…Christ…his bare chest were taunting her incessantly.

He laughed at her and shook his head then rested it on her shoulder. After a few breaths, he closed his eyes and lifted his head. "Olivia," he said opening his eyes. "I kissed you because I wanted the last thing I remembered from home to be about you. I wanted the last thing I remembered to be about my lips on yours." He stared into his eyes for a moment then pressed his lips to hers firmly.

She pulled away from him. "Then why…" Her eyes shot around to different places in the small cell before landing on his lips again. "Why did you leave?"

"You know me, Liv," he said laughing. He paused for a beat and smiled at her. "I have no self control. If I had stayed…" He took a deep breath and focused back on her face. "If I had seen you again, I wouldn't have been able to leave. To come here. And Liv," he said shaking his head, "I needed to come. I -"

"El," she interrupted quietly. "Why didn't you just tell me that? Why'd you leave me in the dark?"

"I had to put some mystery in it, didn't I?" He winked at her as she cracked a light smile.

He'd meant it as a joke. Some of that famous Benson/Stabler banter at work. It had been absent for a little while but somewhere along the way it started to resurface. It wasn't as often as before yet it was still nice to see it whenever it made an appearance. She recognized the meaning behind his words the moment they passed through his lips but his voice held none of its usual playfulness. He sounded dark and serious. It may have even held a little bit of that danger she noticed earlier. His tone could have crumbled her to the floor in a weakened pile of limbs. Jesus Christ. The things he could do to her with just the tone of his voice.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" she asked. She centered herself and looked into his eyes.

She looked a little like a child. It was adorable the way she could transform herself from Benson the cop to Olivia the woman. He loved seeing it. He wished he had known her as a kid – full of life, playful, smiling and whose worst fear was falling out of a tree. He wished he knew her before her sadness practically consumed her. Sure, she had happiness in her life but it along with her mother's rape weighed on her every day whether she showed it or not. Its appearances were less than before. She had learned quickly to hide it – to bury it. Perhaps it was for self-preservation as much as it was for show. She was always trying to show her strong side. But he didn't fall in love with just her strong side. He fell in love with all of her. Even the weak moments. They might have made him love her more. And as much as he enjoyed talking to her, they had very little time before she had to leave.

She watched him for a few moments, trying to anticipate what he wanted to say to her. "You know," she started, "you could have told me this before. You could have saved me a lot of time thinking and a lot of time worrying and -"

Raising his left hand, he placed his finger over her lips as she opened her mouth to keep talking. "You only have so much time here before the next shift of guards get here. Do you want to spend it asking questions or -"

Her soft lips on his cut him off. She moaned into his mouth as he ran his hands down her sides and wrapped them around her waist. He pushed her into the wall.

"Jesus," she muttered against his lips. "What is with you and walls?"

He smiled and took her bottom lip in between his. "I'm not really sure," he confessed. "I've always just wondered what it would feel like to press you against a wall and kiss you."

"And why is th-"

His mouth silenced her attempt at playful banter. It was one of his favorite things to do. She could always bring a smile to his face or halt him in his racks with one of her quips but right now he needed her to be quiet. He needed to feel the movement of her lips under his. When she sighed, her mouth opened and he took the opportunity to seek her tongue with his.

A few moments later, she pulled away and sucked in heavy breaths. "What are we doing?"

He reached up and unbuttoned the collar of her uniform. "Did I ever tell you what you do to me when you're in uniform?" Smiling, he brushed his lips down her neck.

She wanted to slap him away and grill him about his uniform comment but there wasn't enough time. There wasn't enough will power in the world to fight the feeling of his lips on her.

"Less talking," she said smiling and running her hands through his hair.

He gripped her hair and lightly tilted her head back so he could have better access to her neck. Her head connected with the wall and she closed her eyes. She just let herself feel his lips.

"Unbelievable," she mumbled to herself.

He smirked against her neck. "I'm that good huh?"

"You wish," she said as she brought her mouth to his.

He was that good, she thought. Just the light kisses on her neck had her about ready to combust. Heaven help her if they ever did anything more than kiss.

Slowly, he started unbuttoning the jacket of her uniform. When there were no more buttons, he peeled the item from her and threw it toward the bed. He knew from the metallic sound that it had missed or slid onto the floor. That was the last of his concerns. His concerns were how to get her undressed the fastest without ruining her clothes. He brought his hands up to her crisp white shirt, resting his hand on it and looking up at her face. Taking in her slightly watery eyes, he asked her permission to proceed. He needed to make sure she was okay with this. Her eyes cleared momentarily and she nodded slightly. A few excruciating seconds later he ran his eyes then his hands up the exposed skin of her stomach. She sighed and fell against the wall.

What was happening? She almost said it out loud as she felt him touch her scorching skin. He was a prisoner. At least as far as everyone here was concerned. They were in a prison. He was her partner. He was her best friend. Everything about this was wrong. But it felt so right. He slanted his body into hers. Damn those flimsy prison pants. She could feel every part of him – every muscle and every inch of his growing erection. Fuck, that wasn't helping her stop this at all. As his lips connected with the top of her breast, she nearly collapsed and forgot all the reasons she would want to stop this from happening. Then again, why would she want it to stop?

Wrapping her fingers around the waistband of his pants, she peeled them down his body. Self-control be damned. They fell to the floor and he stepped out of them. Immediately, his hands were on her belt, sliding the leather through the loops and unbuckling it before pulling it from around her waist. It dropped from his hands as he moved to start unbuttoning her pants. The button slid smoothly through the hole and the zipper slid notch by notch down. They both sighed when it was completely unzipped.

He ran his fingers along the tops of her panties, coming to rest on the small of her back. Hooking his fingers in the belt loops, he pulled her pants down. He watched them slide down her legs. They were glorious and he almost wanted to thank the countless number of perps that helped form the muscles that twitched under her skin. When her pants hit the floor, she slid her feet out of her shoes and kicked them to the side along with her pants. Stepping back, he took a moment to stare at her. The light hit her, creating shadows across her face and her body. It jumped wildly on her chest as it lifted up and down.

"You're so beautiful," he said crashing his lips to hers. He really could spend the rest of his life kissing her, as cheesy as it sounded.

She wrapped her tongue around his as her lips moved frantically on his. There wasn't enough time, she thought. She needed this to last forever. She needed his lips and hands on her forever. He moved from her mouth and made his way across her jaw to her neck. Fuck. Whatever he was doing with his tongue was magnificent. He trailed kisses from her neck toward her breast. She would give him a few million years to stop that. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she felt him flick the clasp of her bra open. The cool prison air blew across her chest causing her to tense. He smiled against the goose bumps rising on her skin. Kissing his way across her breast, he brought his hand up to the other and lightly massaged it as he rolled his tongue around her nipple. He lifted his head up to run his hands up her body and under the unbuttoned shirt she was still wearing. Smoothing his hands down her arms, he slid it from her body. He smiled, seeing her bra hanging loosely on her body then watched as it fell from her. They stood before each other in their underwear staring and already breathing heavily.

"What are we doing?" she whispered.

He laughed. "Been that long, Liv?"

The corner of her mouth lifted as she shoved his shoulder. She took advantage of his unbalanced state and pushed him against the wall. He gasped as his bare skin hit the coolness of the cement. Arching toward her he propelled himself forward slightly, grabbing for her body. Holding her hand to the middle of his chest, she guided him back against the wall. She looked mischievously into his eyes then kissed her way from his throat to his stomach. As she reached the border of his boxers, she smiled and slowly peeled them off of him.

His knees practically shook as she undressed him. He waited patiently for the fabric to fall away before bending and lifting her. He spun and pressed her into the wall again.

"No more teasing," he growled then kissed her.

He ran his hand down her side then slid his hand forward, his fingers seeking the scrap of fabric keeping her from him. Finding it, he bunched it in his fist and ripped it from her. Throwing it somewhere to the side, he captured the moan pouring from her mouth. Slipping his finger inside her, he found her more than ready for him. His knees almost gave out on him knowing this.

"El," she sighed, gripping the back of his neck. "We…we need to -"

"I know," he said as he kissed her lightly.

Not waiting another second, he slowly pushed himself inside of her. He groaned when he saw her throw her head back then felt her thrust toward him. He pressed her further into wall and wrapped his arm around her waist. Steadying his hand on the wall, he started moving. The friction alone was almost his demise. He knew she'd feel good if he was ever given the opportunity to be inside of her but this was unreal. There's no way this was real. This was a dream. It had to be because this was what dreams were made of, he thought. God, she had a way of turning him into a hopeless bastard.

"Elliot," she grated out through clenched teeth. She couldn't handle how slowly he was going. If he kept this up, it would be over before it really began.

He bucked into her as he felt her fingernails grip his shoulders, wishing any piece of her were close enough for him to sink his teeth into her flesh. She smelled amazing. Nothing like the dank mold of the prison he'd been locked in for far too long. She smelled of lilacs and some kind of intoxicating sweetness. It stung his nose as it rose from her skin.

Plunging into her, he almost screamed when she met him with a movement of her own. They started finding their rhythm as he moved inside of her. She felt herself stretching to accommodate him. It was surreal. This wasn't something she was expecting. This was something she'd thought would never happen. His dick scraped her walls, leaving fire in its wake. Clenching her muscles, she felt him drive deeply into her. She looped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to her, creating a new friction.

She sighed into his neck. "Faster," she whispered.

It made the hair on his neck stand on end. He wanted to prolong each and every shudder and quiver he was experiencing but he could feel that she was close. And this wasn't the time for him to be teasing her. There would be time for that later. Picking up his pace, he rested his forehead against hers.

Her eyes closed. She couldn't look at him when he was so deep inside of her. There wasn't enough will power in the world to keep her from coming undone. He pumped in and out of her as her body wound tighter and tighter. She couldn't hold it in any more. Latching onto his lips, she screamed into his mouth as she came.

His eyes shot open as he tasted it. Her face was beautiful. Her eyes were squeezed tight and her eyebrows tried to arch under the pressure. He almost wanted to laugh until he felt her pulsing around him. His mouth ripped from hers as he thrust into her a few more times, feeling himself fill her as his release came. They rode out the aftershocks of their passion until he couldn't stand any more.

He spun them, his back pressed to the wall as he collapsed to the floor. As soon as he hit the floor, she rested her limp head on his shoulder and breathed heavily. She didn't have the energy to hold it upright. Her heart raced in her chest as she continued to clench around him. Slowly her body started to relax and breathing became more normal.

She had felt so amazing he couldn't bring himself to unwrap her from his body. He knew they would each regret sitting in this position this long in the morning but he couldn't fathom removing her from him. It was ecstasy.

"I can't move," she said into his shoulder.

"I know what you mean," he laughed. "Difference being, I have this lump of a person on top of me." He continued laughing clearly amused by himself. "Ow!" He reached up to rub the side of his head her hand just smacked.

"Well then, if you don't appreciate me then I'll just -" She shifted to lift herself off of his lap when he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back down.

"Come on. You know I'm just kidding," he said smiling and kissing her.

Pursing her lips, she let him before she smacked him again. "There's a time and place for your little jokes. Bastard." She smiled and started to shift again. "But I do have to get going." Leaning in she kissed him before standing.

She'd wanted to run her tongue along his lips and invade his mouth. She wanted to sink back onto him and feel him fill her again. But there wasn't time. They couldn't get caught like this. It would jeopardize the case even more than they already had.

He watched her walk around the small cell picking up articles of clothing. She slid her pants on, jumping at the end to make sure they were fully on before fastening the button. Moving around, she searched for the rest of her clothing. He grinned, loving the easiness of the moment. It's like they did this every day. Turning her head she looked at him while tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Are you going to help me or just sit there and smirk like an idiot?" She threw his boxers to him.

They hit his chest and he clasped his hand over them before they fell into his lap. He stood and slowly pulled them on right before his pants hit him in his head. Pulling them off he tilted his head to the side as he watched bend over to retrieve her bra. She turned and caught him.

"Enjoying the show?" She arched her eyebrow at him. "Come on, El. We don't have much time."

He took a few steps in her direction and reached around her. When he pulled back his arm, he had her bra in his hand. "Looking for this?" he ask placing a kiss on her lips. He kissed her three more times around smiles until she encircled his neck with her arms and kissed him deeply.

They disengaged as her elbow made contact with his side. Snatching the bra from his hand, she started to redress. She slipped into her shirt then her jacket. Turning in small circles, she searched for her belt. He loved seeing the fabric swish about her with each movement. His eyes closed as he clenched his jaw. He could feel himself harden at the sight. Rearranging himself he took a few steps to his right and retrieved the black leather lying curled next to the desk.

"Fuck," she said running her fingers through her hair.

"Liv," he replied. "Calm down. We'll be fine."

She finished buttoning her shirt then tucked it into her pants. Taking the belt from his hands, she snaked it through the loops then buckled it. Stepping up to her he kissed her again. He couldn't taste her enough. As he cupped her face, he continued moving his lips against hers. He dropped his hands from her face and began buttoning her jacket for her. She pulled away and grabbed his hands before he could do anything else with them.

"El," she said softly. "I would love to stand around all day and kiss you but…" She widened her eyes and tilted her head toward the door before flashing him a smile.

"Right," he replied, placing one more kiss on her lips. "You should go." He ran his hands over her hair, smoothing it down so it didn't look like she just fucked a prisoner silly.

Smiling at him again, she ran her hand down his face and turned to leave.

"Liv," he called out to her. His heart stopped as she turned toward him. "I…just be careful."

"You too, El." After another smile, she bent down picked up her nightstick and was out the door.

He sat on his bed for a long time after she left, just thinking. He looked to different spots in the room, remembering what had just happened there. Then something caught his eye. It was a thin scrap of lace. Her underwear. In the rush, she had forgotten them. Getting up, he retrieved them. As he held them he thought.

He did a lot of thinking that night and the nights following. He'd come so close to telling her. He had a third of the words out of his mouth before he chickened out. Why had he stopped? It was because it was Olivia. As the days dragged on in this physical prison, his mind wouldn't shut off in his mental prison. He'd been inside her. He'd watch her as she came, felt her as she came. It was better than his dreams.

Eventually he would get out of solitary. He was thrown into general pop and he found the guy in a day and a few hours. He made him talk. It's what he did. He chased the bad guys, he caught the bad guys, he closed cases. This was one he thought would never end and he was more thankful than he could remember that it was over.

After he was "released" from prison and debriefed with the dozen or so members of the brass, he had wanted to do nothing but sleep. The last few days of constant thinking and worrying had caught up to him. All he wanted was to go back to his bare apartment and fall into bed for the next month. As a result he missed all fifteen of her calls. She would call every few hours for two days. And he was sure a few of those calls from the office had been her checking up on his. As much as he wanted to talk to her about what happened, he just didn't have the energy to drag himself from the comfort of his bed. Waking after a few hours of sleep, he looked at his phone. The red light blinked at him, alerting him to more messages. Pressing the button, his phone lit up. He squinted and found the right icon to press to see his messages. All from Olivia. He sat up long enough to text her.

'_Liv. I'm alright. I'll call soon. E.' _

He hit send then dropped his head back to the pillow and slept for several more hours. When he finally felt rested, he got up and showered. After he pulled on a pair of jeans, he checked the clock. It was 6 p.m. But he wondered what day? Picking up his watch from the nightstand he looked at the face. Thursday. He'd stepped foot in prison on Monday and got home on Tuesday.

Now feeling more like himself, he picked up the phone and hit speed dial one. It rang twice. As it rang the third and fourth time, he made his way to his dresser to get a shirt. Finding a plain black t-shirt, he pulled it out of the drawer. The phone rang a few more times and then her voicemail cut in.

"_You've reached Olivia Benson…"_

Just the sound of her voice sent his insides into a spin. He hadn't heard it in a week. Not since she 'visited' him in prison. The days following her visit had been torturous. He would wake in cold sweats after dreaming of her. They all started the same but each one ended in frightening results ranging from another guard walking in and finding them to another prisoner somehow breaking free and harming her. He didn't have the luxury of calling her to make sure she was okay. It killed him not to hear her. The beep sounded in his ear and he remembered he was still on the line. He cleared his throat.

"Liv. It's me. Call me back."

Short, sweet, to the point. Okay maybe that wasn't so sweet. But it was short and to the point. He didn't trust himself to say more in a message. The need to be face to face with her was overwhelming. He paced his living room, waiting for her call. An hour later she called him back. She wasn't curt but she definitely sounded different. He asked to meet her for coffee and she barely hesitated before agreeing.

"Give me forty minutes?" she had asked.

"Absolutely," he responded.

He hung up the phone and looked at his watch now strapped securely to his wrist. He watched the second hand twitch around the numbers. For a minute and a half he watched the ticking of time. He couldn't watch thirty minutes of this. Grabbing his keys, cell phone and leather jacket, he walked out the front door of his apartment and toward the 24-hour diner.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, taking a sip of her coffee. They were the first words she'd said since 'hi.'

"Do you?" he retorted.

When he had gotten to the diner she had already been there. He'd taken the long way and then walked around the block a few times. By the time he finally went inside, he was only about fifteen minutes early. She was sitting in their usual booth in the far corner with her back against the wall. He could tell by the empty sugar packets that she was already on her third cup of coffee. As soon as he sat down, the waitress sat a mug in front of him. The smell wafted through him and it comforted him in familiarity. He'd missed it but not as much as he missed her.

"I meant…" She paused mid-sip and lowered her mug. "I meant about being undercover." Her unflinching eyes watched him for the slightest movement.

He'd always tried to come up with a way to describe them. People had often called them pools of melted chocolate, deep espresso brown, amber, exotic. He never could come up with anything to accurately describe them. All he knew was that they knew him. With one glance, she could read him. It was always like that. It will always be like that. At least that's what he suspects.

"So did I," he said, trying to hide a boyish smile.

She loved the way he did that. It was infuriatingly adorable. She wondered if his sons inherited that trait. If they did girls would be putty in their hands. Rolling her eyes at him, she picked her mug back up and took a quick sip.

"Touché." She smiled at him and rolled her eyes again for good measure. "But I'm serious, El. It was a rough few days. Did you need to talk about it?"

He bent his head and stared at his hands. "I'd rather talk about you." Without lifting his head he looked at her.

She could see the uncertainty in his eyes. He was resurrecting their conversation about Sealview from a two weeks earlier.

"Why didn't you tell me about Kathy?" she asked, quickly turning the tables on him.

He sighed heavily. "Liv."

"You had to have known for a while. You could have said something, you know? I would have understood."

"I didn't want to talk about it anymore, Liv. Kathy and I talked about it enough. It was the only thing we talked about. I was just tired…of talking."

She tightened her lips and nodded her head. After waiting a second, she picked up her mug and took another sip. The disappointed sigh exited her and coated him in guilt.

"It's not because I didn't trust you. Or because I didn't care. It's not because I don't think of you as my friend. Of course I do. You're my best friend."

The statement elicited a small smile as she watched the steam rise from her coffee. He loved that smile. It was coy like she was trying to hide it but he thought she never should. It was like that old saying, 'Never frown; you never know who is falling in love with your smile.' It rang true. He did fall in love with her smile. All different forms of it. From the one free of make up, to the one painted in bright red lipstick, to the one shimmering in lip gloss. It didn't matter how she dressed it up, he loved it in every way.

"I just didn't know how to tell you." He shrugged.

Their eyes connected. When she looked away, he knew she understood. There was that thing in her eyes that put him at ease.

"So tell me about the guard's uniform." He smiled and brought the mug to his lips again.

"What about it?" She rubbed a smudge on the lip of her mug. Probably that shimmering lip gloss she insisted on wearing. Biting her lip, she tried to hide the amused smirk.

"How did you get it? How did you get in there?"

The look in his eyes made her thankful she suggested they meet in the diner. It was familiar but more importantly it was neutral ground. She wasn't quite ready to be completely alone with him. She still didn't fully trust herself, at least where he was concerned. Look what happened last time, she had reasoned with herself as she sat in the diner waiting for him to arrive. She drained her first coffee in two minutes. It was a nervous habit that unfortunately kept her up most nights. She really needed to switch to decaf.

She thought a lot about him in the days following her visit. When she went to him in prison, it was to check on him. Nothing more. Nothing less. She had convinced herself that it was the partnerly thing to do. No one had heard from him in days and they were all worried. Without telling a soul, she contacted a friend she had in corrections. A friend that owed her a very big favor. The rest is history. She smirked, really good history.

"It looked good on you."

Laughing she shook her head. "Yeah. You said that." She looked up and tilted her head. "You also said that liked me in my blues?"

He chuckled. "Yeah."

"Want to elaborate?"

"I don't know, Liv. There's just something about you in a uniform." He shrugged.

"Am I going to have to worry about you from now on?" Arching her eyebrows, she tilted her head.

"No. You'll be safe with me." He leaned in and gave her that look that sunk into her and gave her a feeling of anxiety and relief all at the same time.

She nodded her head. They didn't talk for a while. Each sat on a side of the booth and got lost in thought.

"Are we ever going to talk about it?" he asked, watching her push bits of apple pie around her plate. He'd been surprised when she asked for it. She didn't like pie.

"Talk about what?" She propped her head in her left hand and looked at him. The fork unceremoniously clattered onto the plate and table as she dropped it. She sighed as she looked at the mess it made.

"About Sealview."

Taking a deep breath she looked back at her plate then at the bits of apple pie splattered across the table. "Elliot," she said wearily. "I…it's -"

"Not the right time. Liv. I know. But like I said before. It's never going to be the right time."

"Why are you so insistent on talking about this?"

"Do you blame me for not being there?"

"No," she said quickly. Her face flickered in disbelief. How could he think that?

He laughed sadly and lifted his face. "It's okay, Liv. I blame me too."

"What?" She straightened up in her seat quickly. "Elliot. How could you think that? It -"

"I should have been there, Liv. I'm your partner. I should have been there."

"There's nothing you could have done." She shook her head back and forth. "It…" Biting her lip, she brought her arms up and placed them on the table. As she composed herself, she fidgeted with her hands.

"When are you going to trust me, Liv?"

"Elliot, it has nothing to do with trust. I trust you. If I didn't we wouldn't still be partners."

The comment stopped his heart. "Is that why you left me after Gitano?"

She sighed as her head hit the back of the booth. "That was complicated."

"Why?" he asked leaning forward in the booth. His face tilted toward hers. They needed to let go of all their weight, once and for all.

"It's…it just was."

"Fine," he said sighing. He hoped one day that topic wouldn't be so forbidden. He hoped one day they would finally deal with it in a non-prosaic way where honesty and sincerity would prevail without avoidances and placatory words. He wanted to fight about it if they had to fight about it. He wanted it finished; he wanted it gone and not hanging over there forever. Maybe one day.

They sat for a while in silence. It was something that was normal between them but it always anxious him lately. He still held onto that fear she would leave.

"It's…it's better, El." Her voice was shaky and soft but she looked into his eyes with such conviction. "It is."

"But?" he asked capitalizing on the weakness of her voice.

"But sometimes. Sometimes the little things bring all that fear back." Her eyes closed and her brow scrunched. "The…handcuffs. And cell doors. The clicking of heavy shoes on concrete." Her heart began its wild, frantic dance in her chest. "Things like that," she said opening her eyes. "They put me right back there."

Watching him look at her, she waited for his response. She couldn't believe she just told him that. It was frightening but she couldn't figure out exactly why. It was more than the usual reasons of looking weak and failing. He knew her more than anyone else. Sometimes she resented that he did. Telling him this was exposing the rest of her to him. It scared her. He took a moment then slowly got up and moved to her side of the booth. Draping his arm around her shoulders, he pulled her closer.

"Liv, let me help. I can't take it away. I may not even make it better. But I can be there for you. I can hold you. I can…I can do whatever it takes to make you feel safe."

Slowly, she started opening up about Sealview. She told him everything that was to be told. He listened to her tell him how Harris dragged her down to the basement, hit her, threw her around, stalked her through the room then finally cuffed her to the door. He hated hearing every word of it because he wasn't there for her then. But he couldn't do a thing about it now.

"Thank you," she said when she was finished.

"Thank me? Thank me for what?"

"Giving me time to tell you that." She reached up and caressed his face. Bringing her face to his she covered his lips with hers. As she pulled away she smiled. "I just needed time, El."

He smiled back at her. Leaning back into her, he whispered in her ear. "Thank you, Liv." As he turned to sit normally in the booth, he grabbed her fork and stole a large bite of her pie.

Laughing she threw her balled up napkin at him and bumped his shoulder with hers. He joined in with her laughter. She tore through him. He was sucked in and thrown around; she uprooted everything he had ever known. When all was said and done he was left without shelter. He was a disaster. She was his tornado.

Somewhere among the chaos, she captured his heart. He smiled as he thought about it. At first glance, he knew she would be different. Back then he didn't know that she would be the one he would fall so deeply in love with but when it happened he couldn't say he was surprised.

Maybe she was in his life for a reason. Maybe she was meant to come into his life and destroy everything he'd built. Maybe she was his sign that he needed to start again. He didn't blame her for the end of his marriage. No one did. It wasn't her fault he couldn't make his marriage work. He didn't know if one person or one thing could be blamed. It had been over twenty years of something and someones. There was no use attaching the blame to anyone. In the long run it only hurt them and their kids.

He looked to her and smiled, running his hand along her jaw line. As she smiled back at him, he felt it. This was where he was meant to be. She was the one with whom he was meant to be. He didn't tell her he loved her that night. One night he would. The words would pour from his mouth, coat her in their meaning and leave her warm. She'd have a reaction he never would have expected from her. At least not now.

Maybe in the beginning when she was more fragile, when she was still trying to find where she fit but not now. They'd known each other too long, been together too long. The pooling of tears in her eyes would catch him off guard. He'd gently wipe them away and kiss her. She would stutter slightly then clear her throat and tell him she loved him too. She'd always loved him in some way. But tonight, they didn't need to say it out loud. He didn't have to say it. Their looks and their eyes always spoke louder than words. It's why they worked so well together.

*~~~~~*


End file.
